It feels good to finish

Hello friends! I’m @lemony-cricket, and if you chuckled at the title, you’re exactly my kind of person. If you rolled your eyes at the thought of someone turning such an innocent phrase into something to chuckle about, you’re also my kind of person so, there’s that.

If this doesn’t count as fair use, I honestly quit the Universe.

I’m trying that “blogging” thing.

I’m doing a bit more of a “personal” blog post today than I usually do; one that actually resembles more of a blog entry than an article. I’m not gonna be educating anyone on anything or prattling on about my anti-authoritarian views today. Nope; today’s post is about me.

I’ve been on Steem for a long time now. The better part of a year. It’s hard for me to grasp the reality of how much time has passed. It may also be hard for others to guess how much I love Steem and the people here, when they see me not posting or interacting onchain for whole weeks at a time. For people who don’t talk to me in other places, you may find it surprising that I still consider myself an active Steemian, but I do.

The truth is though, I have a problem. Actually I have several, but while it would probably be healthy for me to acknowledge and seek treatment for my anxiety and possible other “issues,” that’s never going to happen. The problem I’m talking about is mental, but it’s not an illness. It’s just a flaw.

I am a serial “starter.”

Since I discovered Steem, I have had a ridiculous number of (what my mind has perceived to be) “brilliant” ideas for things built on top of it. I have spent entire days drawing them out on paper, diagramming them, mind-mapping them, writing code for them, talking excitedly about them with friends… starting them. What I have consistently failed to do is finish.

It’s not just Steem, and it’s not just development. My entire life is and has been like this. It’s one new initiative after another with me… I want to learn an instrument. I want to speak every language in the world. I want to write a book. I want to teach a class. I want to make a video game; not one of those cheesy game-jam entries but a real, playable masterpiece with a story, art, a score, and amazing game mechanics… all of which I want to do myself (hey, the Touhou guy does it; I should have no problem doing it too). The list goes on… and on… and on.

I live with the chronic existential dread that I will never accomplish all of my goals, which is honestly (and unfortunately) a completely rational fear. In fact, it’s irrational to hope that I can ever accomplish even a significant minority of everything I’ve ever set out to do. I just don’t have enough free time left in my life. I spend too much of it working, socialising, eating, and fulfilling other “real world” responsibilities, all of which refuse to yield to my grandiose fantasies of being some kind of rockstar polymath.

But I can’t take it. I can’t accept reality. Instead I keep hopping back and forth between new and old ideas, planning them out and starting work then getting overwhelmed, scrapping them, and finding something else to do. I’m stuck in a loop. I don’t think it’s healthy. I want to do something about it… and I know that means letting go of some ideas. I just can’t though. I can’t look myself in the face and say… “I will never do this.” It won’t “compute.” I’m in denial and I know it. So, I’ve decided to handle things a different way.

I’ve decided to start finishing.

I’m going to start tuning out my other ideas from my life. From now on, when I have a new (or old) idea while I’m in the middle of something else, I will write it down and then I will ignore it, until I have finished something. Then, I’ve earned the right to obsess over yet another project. Until then, though… well, I’ve got to stop writing cheques my free time and work ethic can’t cash.

It starts with this post. This post is something I had an idea to do just earlier, while I was working on something else at work. I made a mental note of it and decided to come back to it when I had finished work for the day.

I finished that, and now I’ve finished this, and it feels good. 

It feels good… to finish. 🍋